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Car Forum / Driving, Maintenance, Tuning / Driving / June 2008How Sloth Phalanxes Form
I have always been puzzled at the phenomenon of the Sloth Phalanx - those tight arrays of cars that seem to be perfectly content to sacrifice their space cusions and travel in a tight covalent lattice. Here is how I suspect these clusters form: Contributing Factor #1: Lots of people are ducklings. You see it every time you drive: someone driving faster than you are will come up behind you and, despite an open lane to the left, they SLOW DOWN, match your speed, and sit there for a few minutes while they decide what they want to do. Then, after a minute or two (traffic permitting), then MAYBE they'll pull out and start to pass you. Or maybe they'll just imprint on you and stick with you for the next 400 miles if you allow them to. Contributing Factor #2: People using cruise control refuse to touch the gas pedal. You see this every time you get on the freeway. It doesn't matter if the speed differential is 0.001 MPH, it doesn't matter if there are 1000 cars stuck behind them, some people absolutely WILL NOT touch the gas pedal while their cruise control is engaged. They want to go 63 MPH - not 64 MPH, not 62 MPH, but SIXTY-THREE. And they don't give a rat's a.s how fast YOU want to go. Contributing Factor #3: Coasters, Hypermilers, Feeble-Minded Old Coots, and other Sloths. These guys only care about their gas mileage and "wear and tear" - not about the poor souls trapped behind them. Or maybe they're oblivious Geezers who are barely capable of keeping their cars on the road. They'll drive slow in any lane they feel like, and no amount of honking or flash-to-pass will dislodge them. In fact, your attempts to get them to let you by might only makes them dig their heels in. Contributing Factor #4: Truckers. 'Nuff said. Now, if you mix enough of these people all together on a freeway, you can't help but get a Clusterfuck. Maybe it starts with the Sloth Coaster. Maybe he's even plodding along in the right lane. Pretty soon, a Duckling comes up behind him, and slows down to match his speed. Then maybe another Duckling takes station off the first Duckling's back bumper. Then maybe this group catches up to another, slightly slower, Sloth Coaster in the middle lane. Now along comes a Sloth Cruiser in the left lane, passing at a 0.001 MPH speed differential. More Ducklings catch up from behind, slow down, and match the speed of the clump. Eventually you have a seething mass of these twits spread across all lanes, all doing their Brownian Motion Ad Infinitum.  SignatureQ: What's the difference between a traffic snake and a real one? A: The traffic snake's a.shole at the *front* end. > I have always been puzzled at the phenomenon of the Sloth Phalanx - > those tight arrays of cars that seem to be perfectly content to > sacrifice their space cusions and travel in a tight covalent lattice. > Here is how I suspect these clusters form: > Contributing Factor #2: People using cruise control refuse to touch > the gas pedal. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > gas pedal while their cruise control is engaged. They want to go 63 > MPH - not 64 MPH, not 62 MPH, but SIXTY-THREE. And, of course, all "knowledgeable" driving experts know, variations among speedometers do not exist. If yours indicates 63, so does theirs. This may be divined by examination of half of the instruments involved. > And they don't give a > rat's a.s how fast YOU want to go. Unlike the fastest drivers whose first concern is how fast slower drivers want to go. > Contributing Factor #4: Truckers. 'Nuff said. Of course. A truck may only be operated at 1 of 2 velocities; too fast or too slow. > Now, if you mix enough of these people all together on a freeway, you > can't help but get a Clusterfuck. But a clusterfuck of speeding drivers, who always speed, as everyone always speeds, everywhere, at all times (according to r.a.d. consensus), who seemingly have agreed that, finally, they have agreed upon a velocity that is "fast enough". The only thing missing is a single idiot for whom that speed is, what, 2 or 3 mph "too slow"? You are on a roll tonight. Got one of those payday loans and restocked the fridge with 40 ouncers, enough to last the weekend? ----- - gpsman > I have always been puzzled at the phenomenon of the Sloth Phalanx - I have always been puzzled by your inability to leave the keyboard and seek sunlight. You need to get laid, Dave... Introducing yourself to women is the first step. calrog@gmail.com in news:f5646e41-cddc-40b1-a915- 1adcca1450b0@t12g2000prg.googlegroups.com: > Introducing yourself to > women is the first step. the ducklings aren't moving fast enough to get away. try the female ducklings. ducklings are undeniably cute http://photos.jibble.org/albums/Ducklings/Duckling_001.jpg and often wet. those markings might look like makeup, but that duckling is all natural. > I have always been puzzled at the phenomenon of the Sloth Phalanx - > those tight arrays of cars that seem to be perfectly content to > sacrifice their space cusions and travel in a tight covalent lattice. i'll assume you're writing about limited access ("freeways") with at least 3 lanes. > Here is how I suspect these clusters form: > > Contributing Factor #1: Lots of people are ducklings. that's almost always the reason. they aren't really driving, and they're auto-pilot runs off peripheral vision, causing them to stay "staionary" relative to a mass in an adjacent lane. (though obviously if the adjacent lanes are moving at different speeds, the clot is not solid) > You see it every time you drive: someone driving faster than you are > will come up behind you and, despite an open lane to the left, they [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > maybe they'll just imprint on you and stick with you for the next 400 > miles if you allow them to. didn't we warn you to avoid feeding the zoo animals? >;-P > Contributing Factor #2: People using cruise control refuse to touch > the gas pedal. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > MPH - not 64 MPH, not 62 MPH, but SIXTY-THREE. And they don't give a > rat's a.s how fast YOU want to go. i've hardly ever been in a cc vehicle, but i've read that cc aren't accurate to 1mph. i guess cc drivers could be among the ducklings when multiple lanes have cc set to the same (resulting) speed. > Contributing Factor #3: Coasters, Hypermilers, Feeble-Minded Old > Coots, and other Sloths. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > honking or flash-to-pass will dislodge them. In fact, your attempts to > get them to let you by might only makes them dig their heels in. a lot of "geezers" stay in the slow lane. this is usually good, though the geezers aren't usually aware of which lane is the truly slowest lane (occasionally the far right lane is the faster lane). > Contributing Factor #4: Truckers. 'Nuff said. aren't very maneuverable. > Now, if you mix enough of these people all together on a freeway, you > can't help but get a Clusterfuck. Maybe it starts with the Sloth [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > Sloth Cruiser in the left lane, passing at a 0.001 MPH speed > differential. varying plus or minus as the road surface changes hues. >More Ducklings catch up from behind, slow down, and > match the speed of the clump. Eventually you have a seething mass of > these twits spread across all lanes, all doing their Brownian Motion > Ad Infinitum. i think the choices are: hang back while a crazed driver freaks out a leak through the clot. if instead the freak out causes a pileup, you'll be far enough away to evade that. or join the wormers if the clot seems a little squishy. btw, getting "ahead" is of mostly psychological benefit (keeps the driver awake). the only time you'll get significant elapsed time advantage is when the road is clear of clots (midnight to 6 or 7 am). and you won't need to drive terribly fast (65-70) to get that time saving. >> I have always been puzzled at the phenomenon of the Sloth Phalanx - >> those tight arrays of cars that seem to be perfectly content to >> sacrifice their space cusions and travel in a tight covalent lattice. > >i'll assume you're writing about limited access ("freeways") with at least 3 lanes. No, it happens on surface streets, too. >> Contributing Factor #4: Truckers. 'Nuff said. > >aren't very maneuverable. That's the least of it. >i think the choices are: >hang back while a crazed driver freaks out a leak through the clot. That's one of my favorite techniques. Usually it's some moron driving 90 MPH in an SUV; when I see him come flying up behind me, I smile and merge right, then back off and watch the fireworks. >btw, getting "ahead" is of mostly psychological benefit I disagree - there is a significant safety benefit, as well. Staying in the clear space between Clusterfucks is the only way to maintain your space cushion. SignatureQ: What's the difference between a traffic snake and a real one? A: The traffic snake's a.shole at the *front* end. >That's one of my favorite techniques. Usually it's some moron driving >90 MPH in an SUV; when I see him come flying up behind me, I smile and >merge right, then back off and watch the fireworks. Why do you think he's a moron? Even SUVs are reasonably safe at 90mph on the Interstate (provided there's air in the non-Firestone tires), and he's probably figured out that driving 90mph moves people out of the way quite nicely. SignatureThere's no such thing as a free lunch, but certain accounting practices can result in a fully-depreciated one. >>That's one of my favorite techniques. Usually it's some moron driving >>90 MPH in an SUV; when I see him come flying up behind me, I smile and [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > and he's probably figured out that driving 90mph moves people out of > the way quite nicely. reasonably safe compared to stock '55 chevy at 90mph maybe. But the drivers top-heavy domestic SUV's with brakes of a size that would be more at home on a honda civic shouldn't be driving 90mph while weaving through traffic. Just one person changing lanes assholishly in front of them after those brakes are fading and... >>That's one of my favorite techniques. Usually it's some moron driving >>90 MPH in an SUV; when I see him come flying up behind me, I smile and >>merge right, then back off and watch the fireworks. > >Why do you think he's a moron? Because he's in a massive, hard-to-maneuver, hard-to-stop vehicle, and yet he's about to tailgate the sh.t out of some LLB in an attempt to intimidate him out of the way. Most of the time it probably works as intended. But what if the LLB is also an angry moron and brake-checks the SUV driver for tailgating? One little slip and these two geniuses could end up taking out the entire Phalanx. SignatureQ: What's the difference between a traffic snake and a real one? A: The traffic snake's a.shole at the *front* end. |
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