Mine is either Philip:

Lo! Who is that, prowling along the terrain! It is Philip, hands
clutching a studded crowbar! He roars vengefully:

"Hail the blood-letting! I destroy all in my path until Satan himself
emerges from the pit to thank me!"

or Phil:

Striding out of the cliffs, clutching a thorned whip, cometh Phil! And
he gives a gutteral scream:

"I'm going to clobber you so forcibly, your screams will shatter
lightbulbs world-wide!!!"

Being uneasy of heights, I had no idea I'd be out on those cliffs.

Phil

This is great!

Rampaging over the hotel lobby, brandishing a sharpened screwdriver, cometh
Ric Deez! And he gives a vengeful howl:

"I'm seriously going to hump you until you turn inside-out, and trade you
for a candy bar!!!"

or

Sprinting on the steppes, attacking with a vorpal blade, cometh Ric! And he
gives a vengeful grunt:

"Ares, God of War, be praised! I pillage until my glands are satisfied!!"

RicD

Hark! Who is that, stalking out of the icy wasteland! It is Matt Borland,
hands clutching a burning branch! He cries gutterally:

"I'm seriously going to pound you with such wanton cruelty, the Earth
will spin twice as fast!!"

Or...

Skulking over the wasteland, cutting down all who dare stand in the way
using a reflective halberd, cometh Matt! And he gives an ominous cry:

"Brace yourself, oh human speck of dust! I carve into flesh like a
four-year-old
on a sugar rampage!!"

Who knew four-year-olds carved flesh so well?

-Matt- "..."

Apparently my wife deals in malicious code, according to this:

Zang! Who is that, striding over the steppes! It is Mary-ellen,
hands clutching a sharpened screwdriver! She howls mightily:

"I'm going to hack into your brain, and type rm -rf !!!"

Scary stuff...

-Matt-

Zang! Who is that, running through the mountains! It is Mcwriter, hands
clutching gilded boxing gloves! He screams thunderously:

"I'm going to cram objects into you from every conceivable angle!"

I REALLY like this one:

Striding over the freeway, wielding a vorpal blade, cometh MC! And he gives
an ominous howl:

"I'm going to smack you into your own personal hell!"

Even better:

Hark! Who is that, sprinting along the freeway! It is Mike Costello, hands
clutching a bladed baseball bat! He bellows gutterally:

"I'm going to pummel you in such an unsafe manner, you will drink poison and
piss honey!!"

Oh now this is getting silly (!)

Yea, verily: Who is that, sprinting across the fields! It is Iaiaiain, hands
clutching a studded crowbar! He roars gutterally:

"I'm going to f.ck you all the way to Hrafensfjardhareyri, and add a notch
to my bedpost!"

or

Lo! Who is that, running through the candy store! It is Iain, hands
clutching a reflective halberd! He screams thunderously:

"I'm going to hump you into the danger zone, and grin like a f.cking
maniac!!"

I.

Stalking over the mountains, attacking with a studded crowbar, cometh
Mcgeoghan! And he gives a booming howl:
"I'm going to f.ck you harder than God thought possible!!"

Well. you *did* ask...

Regards, all.
Joe