At least you don't hold the patent on dirt....besides, how old can you
be anyway?

   Merry Christmas to you and yours, Mr Jim

classic stew that makes natural gravy,
thus it does not have to be thickened.
Brown the meat quickly in very hot oil, remove and set aside.
Brown the onions, celery, pepper and garlic.
De-glaze with wine, return meat to the pan and season well.
Stew on low fire adding small amounts of water and
  seasoning as necessary.
After at least half an hour, add the carrots and potatoes,
  and simmer till root vegetables break with a fork.
Cook a fresh pot of long grained white rice.

Pre-mie Pot Pie

When working with prematurely delivered newborns (or chicken) use sherry;
red wine with beef (buy steak or roast, do not pre-boil).

Pie crust (see index)
Whole fresh pre-mie; eviscerated, head, hands and feet removed
Onions, bell pepper, celery
? cup wine
Root vegetables of choice (turnips, carrots, potatoes, etc) cubed

Make a crust from scratch - or go shamefully to the frozen food section
  of your favorite grocery and select 2 high quality pie crusts (you
  will need one for the

and cook down a bit.
Add some lemon juice and some zest, then de-glaze with stock.
Add a little cornstarch (dissolved in cold water) to the sauce.
You are just about there, Pour the sauce over the cutlets,
  top with parsley, lemon slices and cracked pepper.
Serve with spinach salad, macaroni and cheese (homemade) and iced tea...

Spaghetti with Real Italian Meatballs

If you don?t have an expendable bambino on hand,
you can use a pound of ground pork instead.
The secret to great meatballs, is to use very lean meat.

1 lb. ground flesh; human or pork
3 lb. ground beef
1 cup finely chopped onions
7 - 12 cloves garlic
1 cup seasoned bread crumbs
? cup milk, 2 eggs
Oregano
basil
salt
pepper
Italian seasoning, etc.
Tomato gravy (see index)
Fresh or at least freshly cooked spaghetti or other pasta

Mix the ground meats together in a large bowl,
  then mix each of the other ingredients.
Make balls about the size of a baby?s fist
  (there should be one lying around for reference).
Bake at 400?for about 25 minutes -
  or you could fry them in olive oil.
Place the meatballs in the tomato gravy, and simmer for several hours.
Serve on spaghetti.
Accompany with green salad, garlic bread and red wine.

Newborn Parmesan

This classic Sicilian cuisine can easily be turned into Eggplant Parmesan
If you are planning a vegetarian meal. Or you could just as well use veal -
after all, you have to be careful - Sicilians are touchy about their young
family members...

6 newborn or veal cutlets
Tomato gravy (see index)
4 cups mozzarella, 1cup parmesan, 1cup romano
Seasoned bread crumbs  mixed with  
  parmesan
  romano
  salt
  pepper
  oregano
  garlic powder
  chopped parsley
Flour
eggwash (eggs and milk)
Peanut oil for frying.

Pound the

cabbage leaves
1 lb. lean ground newborn human filets, or ground chuck
Onions
peppers
celery
garlic
soy sauce
salt pepper, etc
Olive oil
breadcrumbs
Tomato Gravy (see index)

Boil the cabbage leaves for 2 minutes to soften.
In skillet, brown the meat in a little olive oil,
  then add onions, peppers, and celery (all chopped finely)
  and season well.
Place in a large bowl and cool.
Add seasoned breadcrumbs and a little of the tomato gravy,
  enough to make the mixture pliable.
Divide the stuffing among the cabbage leaves then roll.
Place seam down in a baking pan.
Ladle tomato gravy on top,
  and bake at 325? for 30 - 45 minutes.

Umbilical Cordon Bleu

Nothing is so beautiful as the bond between mother and child,
so why not consume it?
Children or chicken breasts will work wonderfully also.

4 whole umbilical chords (or baby breasts, or chicken breasts)
4 thin slices of smoked ham, and Gruyere cheese
Flour
eggwash (milk and eggs)
seasoned bread crumbs
1 onion
minced
salt
pepper
butter
olive oil

Pound the breasts flat (parboil first if using umbilical
  cords so they won?t be tough).
Place a slice of ham and cheese on each, along with some minced onion
  then fold in half, trimming neatly.
Dredge in flour, eggwash, then seasoned breadcrumbs;

Get the grill good and hot while placing meat, vegetables, and
  fruit such as pineapples or cherries on the skewers.
Don?t be afraid to use a variety of meats.
Grill to medium rare,
  serve with garlic cous-cous and saut?ed asparagus.
Coffee and sherbet for desert then walnuts, cheese, and port.
Cigars for the gentlemen (and ladies if they so desire)!

Crock-Pot Crack Baby

When the quivering, hopelessly addicted crack baby succumbs to death,
get him immediately butchered and into the crock-pot, so that any
remaining toxins will not be fatal. But don?t cook it too long,
because like Blowfish, there is a perfect medium between the poisonous
and the stimulating. Though it may not have the same effect on your
guests, a whole chicken cooked in this fashion is also mighty tasty.

1 newborn - cocaine addicted, freshly expired, cleaned and butchered
Carrots
onions
leeks
celery
bell pepper
potatoes
Salt
pepper
garlic, etc
4 cups water

Cut the meat into natural pieces and brown very well in olive oil,
  remove, then brown half of the onions, the bell pepper, and celery.
When brown, mix everything into the crock-pot, and in 6 to 8 hours you
  have turned a hopeless tragedy into a heartwarming meal!

George?s Bloody Mary

Don?t shy away from this one, it is simply a cocktail variation of
good old Blood Stew. When a pig is killed, its throat is slit and
those present quaff a cup of hot blood to soften the wintry air.
From the dawn of man to this day, humans have always drunk blood!
American deer hunters are a prime example.

1 pint blood
Stolichnaya vodka
ice
tomato juice
lemon
lime
hot sauce
Worcestershire sauce
pickled green bean
celery
green olives
celery salt

Draw a pint of blood from a very young virgin,
  female if possible, and chill.
In a tall glass pour 1 or 2 ounces of vodka,
  th

or use high quality beef or pork roasts (it is cheaper and better to
cut up a whole roast than to buy stew meat).

1 stillbirth, de-boned and cubed
? cup vegetable oil
2 large onions
bell pepper
celery
garlic
? cup red wine
3 Irish potatoes
2 large carrots

This is a simple classic stew that makes natural gravy,
thus it does not have to be thickened.
Brown the meat quickly in very hot oil, remove and set aside.
Brown the onions, celery, pepper and garlic.
De-glaze with wine, return meat to the pan and season well.
Stew on low fire adding small amounts of water and
  seasoning as necessary.
After at least half an hour, add the carrots and potatoes,
  and simmer till root vegetables break with a fork.
Cook a fresh pot of long grained white rice.

Pre-mie Pot Pie

When working with prematurely delivered newborns (or chicken) use sherry;
red wine with beef (buy steak or roast, do not pre-boil).

Pie crust (see index)
Whole fresh pre-mie; eviscerated, head, hands and feet removed
Onions, bell pepper, c

sherry, add the reduced broth.
Finally, put in the root vegetables and simmer for 15 minutes.
Allow to cool slightly.
Place the pie pan in 375 degree oven for a few minutes so bottom crust is not soggy,
  reduce oven to 325.
Fill the pie with stew, place top crust and with a fork, seal the crusts together
  then poke holes in top.
Return to oven and bake for 30 minutes, or until pie crust is golden brown.

Sudden Infant Death Soup

SIDS: delicious in winter, comparable to old fashioned Beef and Vegetable Soup.
Its free, you can sell the crib, baby clothes, toys, stroller... and so easy to
procure if such a lucky find is at hand (just pick him up from the crib and
he?s good to go)!

SIDS victim, cleaned
? cup cooking oil
Carrots
onions
broccoli
whole cabbage
fresh green beans
potato
turnip
celery
tomato
? stick butter
1 cup cooked pasta (macaroni, shells, etc.)

Remove as much meat as possible, cube, and brown in hot oil.
Add a little water, season, then add the carcass.
Simmer for half an hour keeping the stock thick.
Remove the carcass and add the vegetables slowly to the stock,
  so that it remains boiling the whole time.
Cover the pot and simmer till vegetables are tender
  (2 hours approximately).
Continue seasoning to taste.
Before serving, add butter and pasta,
  serve piping with hot bread and butter.

Offspring Rolls

Similar to Vietnamese style fried rolls, they have lots of meat
(of course this can consist of chicken, beef, pork, or shrimp).
Who can resist this classic appetizer; or light lunch served with
a fresh

then stripping off.
Season generously, rubbing the mixture into the baby?s flesh.
Place 1 quart water in a baking pan, the meat on a wire rack.
Bake uncovered in 250? oven for 1? hours.
When browned, remove and glaze,
  return to oven and bake 20 minutes more to form a glaze.
Cut ribs into individual pieces and serve with extra sauce.

Fresh Sausage

If it becomes necessary to hide the fact that you are eating
human babies, this is the perfect solution.
But if you are still paranoid, you can substitute pork butt.

5 lb. lean chuck roast
3 lb. prime baby butt
2 tablespoons each:
  salt
  black, white and cayenne peppers
  celery salt
  garlic powder
  parsley flakes
  brown sugar
1 teaspoon sage
2 onions
6 cloves garlic
bunch green onions, chopped

Cut the children?s butts and the beef roast into pieces
  that will fit in the grinder.
Run the meat through using a 3/16 grinding plate.
Add garlic, onions and seasoning then mix well.
Add just enough water for a smooth consistency, then mix again.
Form the sausage mixture into patties or stuff into natural casings.

Stillborn Stew

By definition, this meat cannot be had altogether fresh,
but have the lifeless unfortunate available immediately after delivery,
or use high quality beef or pork roasts (it is cheaper and better to
cut up a whole roast than to buy stew meat).

1 stillbirth, de-boned and cubed
? cup