Have You Been Shaved?

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Alan Truelove - 03 May 2005 10:59 GMT

> The Holy Bible describes Heaven as a beautiful place with no death,
> sorrow, sickness or pain.

That'd be my life now then. I have no death, sorrow, sickness or pain in
my life right now.

Why would I need to go to heaven to get these things?

> "For if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your
> heart that God raised Him from the dead, you WILL BE SAVED." (Romans 10:9)

Saved from what?!? I don't need rescuing. I am not in any danger or
peril.

> Jesus Christ was born in Israel supernaturally to a virgin Jewish woman
> named Mary and lived a sinless life for thirty-three years.

Ooow, I've managed significantly more than 33 years, and never committed a
single 'sin' myslef. I am not religious.

> At the age of thirty-three Jesus was scourged...

Scourged? What's that? Oh, you mean 'scoured' like with an oven-cleaning
product. ROFL.

> Three days after Jesus died on a cross and was placed in a grave Jesus
> rose from the dead as Jesus said would happen before Jesus died.

Well next time, we'll know to cremate him, won't we!

> If someone tells you that they are going to die and

then three days later come back to life and it
actually happens then this person must be the
real deal.

What? Only if they TELL you they're going to come back to life before they
'die' are they the real deal?!? My God (sorry for the cursing there,
snigger), think of all those fakes out there who have come back to life but
just simply forgot to tell us about it before it happened.

> Jesus Christ is the only person that ever lived a perfect sinless life.

Rubbish. I've never done anything 'sinful'. Hang on a minute. Does that
make ME Jesu... No, no. Forget it.

> This is why Jesus is able to cover our sins(misdeeds) with His own blood
> because Jesus is sinless.

Ooow, isn't that a bit messy? Don't want blood everywhere, it'll cost a
fortune in carpet cleaner.

> If you would like God to forgive you of your past, present and future sins
> just ask Jesus Christ to be your Lord and Saviour.

Oh, future sins as well is it now. That means we can all go away and have
a 'murder the children' party next weekend and not have to bother about it.
Cool !
My conscience is clear, isn't yours? After all, I've been 'saved'.

> It doesn't matter how old you are or how many bad

things that you have done in your life including
lying and stealing all the way up to murder.

But religions are all based on lies. So does that mean that by definition
religions are their own sins??

> Just pray the prayer below with your mouth...

With my mouth? Well I wasn't going to fart it, was I?

> Dear Jesus Christ, I want to be saved so that I can

have a home in Heaven with You when I die. I agree
with You that I am a sinner. I believe that You love
me and want to save me. I believe that You bled and
died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins and
that You rose from the dead. Please forgive my sins
and come into my heart and be my Lord and Saviour.
Thanks Lord Jesus Christ for forgiving me and saving
me through Your merciful grace. Amen.

Damn it. Don't you know you always start a letter with your address and the
date in the top right-hand corner!!!

> Now you are a real Christian and you can know for

sure that you will live in Heaven forever when this
life comes to an end.

Hmmm, 'heaven'. There's that word again. I've looked on my world atlas
but there's no mention of it.

Wonder where it could be.... Brazil, no. Madagascar, no. Ascension
Islands, oh nearly. Found it. Seems like it's just off the coast of
Hawaii. www.hawaiiheaven.com. Mmm, looks interesting... All those
Hawaiian ladies in their grass skirts certainly sounds like heaven to me.
Better watch out for the volcanoes though. Heard they can 'mumble' a bit.

Hang on a minute, that's not heaven. All that fire & hot ash.
It...it...it...sounds l.i.k.e....HELL. Aaargghhhh..........!

> As a child of God we are to avoid sin(wrongdoing),

but if you do sin the Holy Bible says, "My dear
children, I write this to you so that you will not
sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks
to the Father in our defense Jesus Christ,
the Righteous One."

Okay, so this ones says: You won't be sinning - but if you do then it
doesn't matter anyway. Huh??

> Those of you that have not yet decided to place your

trust in the Lord Jesus Christ may never get another
chance to do so because you do not know when you
will die.

I'll just go to www.lastminute.com

> Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life:

no one can come to the Father(God)(in Heaven), but
by me." (John 14:6)

Oh no. He's an agent. Alright, there must be a get-out clause somewhere
in the contract....

> The Holy Bible descibes Hell as a place of eternal torment, suffering,
> pain and agony

SOUNDS LIKE THIS DAMNED SPAMMER'S CONSTANT POSTS !!!!!!!!!!!