exactly, it *could* be Ted Nugent, but not Carlin.

As a person who has followed Carlin's career for at least double that
I can agree wholeheartedly.  That ain't George.  I have actually had
the pleasure of having a conversation with the man and it even snuck
in that short exchange.  Now I'm going to both waste some time and
bandwidth with exactly how Mr Carlin feels about religion.  

<George's own words are as follows think of his voice as you read it.
It makes for a better experience.>

In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a
clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to
bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of
the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims,
religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the
greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has
actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the
sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the
invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to
do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place,
full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he
will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry
forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs
money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise,
somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of
dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now,
you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy sh.t!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know,
when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really
tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us
in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close
eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you,
the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize,
something is f.cked up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger,
filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades.
Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the
best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong
on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of sh.t you'd
expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you
and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on
his all-powerful a.s a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this
guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if
there is a God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever f.ck things up like this. So, if there is
a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least
incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a sh.t. Doesn't give
a sh.t, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of
these bad results.

So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly
and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands
of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a sh.t, I
decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I
could really count on.

And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I
became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at
night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper.
Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some
other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on
that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the
credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it
gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park,
reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least
there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply
because they don't agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no
pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we
don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to
compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me
I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved.
Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun.
But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our
friendship. It's not polite.

I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking
trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and
begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a
better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day
off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend. But people do
pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your
sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for
defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to f.ck that
hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one
with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think
you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for
anything, but what about the Divine Plan?

Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan.
Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into
practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has
been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something.
Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do
you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a
little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if
every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and
f.ck up Your Plan?

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose
your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's
will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's
going to do what He wants to anyway, why the f.ck bother praying in
the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you
just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very
confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as
I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci.
Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me,
that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe
Pesci doesn't f.ck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple
of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the
barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one
visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball
bat.

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed
something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and
all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about
the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I
don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the
horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo
Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing
the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your
superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and
literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you.
You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one.
Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's
Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where
the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care
for, by the way.

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from
Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and
all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again."
That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None,
not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If
there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing
happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you
what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he
strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little
cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh,
now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe
Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!