New tests indicate that almost the entire male population of Great
Britain is homosexual, The Rockall Times has learned.
Previous estimates at the proportion of homosexuals in the populace have
varied wildly. While Attitude magazine and the campaign group Outrage!
puts the figure at around one in 10, the Daily Mail and Daily Telegraph
newspapers claim it is one in 1,000 or even lower, and they're usually
asylum seekers.
However, the new research, carried out by the same group that revealed
an HIV epidemic in British society just a few months ago, shows that the
figure is closer to one in one among men.
Researchers asked a broad cross-section of the male population: "Are you
a vegetarian?" If they answered "No", a trickier follow-up question
inquired: "Do you eat meat, then?"
Around five per cent of men answered "Yes" to the first question,
indicating that they were most likely gay (it has been scientifically
proven that 90 per cent of vegetarians are whoopsies who can't handle
anything tougher than a tomato and green salad).
Shockingly, however, almost all other men answered "Yes" to the second
question, indicating that they enjoyed a mouthful of pecker pork.
Clearly, these men had either initially sought to mislead the questioner
or had been confused by the first question, and are in fact homosexual
(homosexuals are notoriously baffled beasts).
A delighted but confused Adam Mattera, editor of Attitude, said that he
hoped this would put a stop to homophobia in Britain. "This research
shows that when men abuse gay men, verbally or physically, they really
are only hurting themselves," he said. "Still, if all the men in Britain
are gay, that doesn't explain why so many of them dress so badly. Or the
dancing."
Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, was unavailable for comment,
having killed himself.