29% Ain't Half Bad For Bush
By Boxcar Pud Acuff, Country Crooner
May 24, 2006, 20:04

Shoot, I know this might be hard fer y'all to understand, but it ain't
hard fer me, 'cause I'm a big time semi-star in the world of country
music. So, this puts me in the position to know some sh.t about the sh.t
I cover, and believe you me, I know my sh.t.

Well, I think I know my sh.t, but some people claim I don't know sh.t
from shinola. Anyway, I reckon I know 'bout poll numbers and people
likin' you, 'cause that is the way it works in the country music world
and the world of politics.

President Bush is down right now in the polls. Some polls say he is
down around 29% in his job approval. Shoot, that means 29 cents out of
every dollar, and that my friends is a pretty good profit in the
business world!

I reckon people are gettin' weary of that patriotic war over yonder in
I - Raq. I don't know if these weary people have gone pink or fag, but I
do know that we've got to keep on fightin'!  It's like good neo-cons
say, "It's best that we fight'em over there than
fight'em...ah...ah...fight fer the right.....ah...ah...fight'em over
yonder to keep fightin' over there?.......when Johnny comes marchin'
home?.....ah...." Well sh.t, I don't what the neo-cons say 'bout that,
but I'm sure it's something 'bout staying the course.

Hey, I done went and forgot to tell y'all 'bout my new job. Besides
being a big-time, semi-star in the world of country music, I've went and
got a job with WPIS. Yeah, I'm what they call a "pundit", or a "talk
radio personality", or a "conservative talk show host," and some people
even call me a "dumbass." Yeah, I don't mind just as long as you call me
fer dinner!

In Nashville, WPIS is the 50 watts beacon of truth and
talk...conservative talk, that is.  50 watts of get-in-your-face,
no-holds-barred, dance-with-the-one-that-brought-ya,
take-one-fer-the-team, I've-got-a-little-peter, talk blasting through
the greater Nashville neocon area on your A.M. radio dial!

Well, enough of me braggin' on me. President Bush has got some low poll
numbers - that's fer sure - but that don't mean he ain't doing a good
job. Well, sh.t, I guess most people think he ain't doing a good job,
but that's to be expected in times like these.

President Bush reminds me a lot of my old granddaddy Steamboat Acuff. I
reckon, he and granddaddy are both the guys in charge and sh.t like
that. And, I reckon too, that both men have been dealt bad hands to deal
with problems.

I went home recently - good old Mule a.s, Tennessee - to see my old
granddaddy and my old home place. Lordy, the old home place looks the
same as when I stepped down from the train.  And,  there to meet me was
my momma and pappa, and down the road I looked and there runs
Mary....wait, damn that's a country song that I got mixed with me going
back home. Anyway, I pulled up to the home place and the memories flowed
in my mind, like piss pourin' out a nasty boot. I saw the old front
porch and I remembered the times me, little brother Cornbread, and old
granddaddy would sit on that old porch. Mercy, I remembered granddaddy
teachin' us 'bout truth, honor, justice, and how truth sometimes hurts.

"You pull them pants off, Cornbread," I could hear granddaddy say. My
mind was awash with his voice as I looked at that old front porch. "This
is truth coming in hard and fast!"  Granddaddy would say as he bent my
little brother over and shoved his old granddaddy rod of truth up little
brother's poo-poo.  Yeah, goodtimes, and family values I thought as I
sat there in my pickup truck rememberin' all the things that happened on
that front porch.

"You get the hell out my driveway!" yelled the feller glaring at me over
his shotgun barrel.  I reckon I was at the wrong house, looking at the
wrong front porch. So, I pulled out really fast.  Finally, I made it to
the old home place.

Granddaddy Steamboat reminds me of President Bush. You see, granddaddy
was elected to be the Mule a.s City Mayor and he went to cuttin' taxes.
Yes sir, just like President Bush, granddaddy couldn't stand taxes, so,
he cut them.

Granddaddy cut out all that there big government sh.t like: new school
buildings, school lunches, and teachers pay. Shoot, then granddaddy went
after all the waste in Mule a.s government. He cut out: road repair,
water treatment, and he done away with silly rules and  regulations.
"Ain't no need in havin' somebody keep your water clean - we need take
responsiblity fer ourselves." granddaddy told the people.

Well, the people of Mule a.s had more money in their pockets - well,
some of the people did - and granddaddy got re-elected. "Cut taxes and
we'll balance the county's budget through higher revenues! City
government's spending is the problem!" he said.

Pretty soon, businesses pulled out, kids left to get an education, and
the little town of Mule a.s looked run-down and empty. Yes sir, tax cuts
had their effect and we were feeling it.   Then, the Duck River came a
floodin'.

Lordy, I ain't never seen so much untreated water in all my life! There
were logs - both human and non-human - houses, cows, pigs, and roofs
floatin' around. Wouldn't you know it, the folks blamed granddaddy.
Yeah, all 'cause there wasn't any
relief workers, emergency workers, policemen, and others to help. Yes
sir, them tax cuts took care of big government.

Well, the people of Mule a.s called granddaddy some bad names and his
poll numbers went plum down till they became alphabets!  Lordy, it was
bad. Several Mule Assians came and got Dude and granddaddy Steamboat one
hot, wet summer's night.  Them folks pistol whipped Dude and made
granddaddy dance and sing while they did.

"You bunch of liberal fed whinny bleedin' hearts..." granddaddy started
to say to them folks, when somebody cold-cocked him with their pistol.
granddaddy cried, peed his pants, and begin to sing and dance fer them
again.

Well, I've got to end this here report and/or op-ed piece. In the end,
granddaddy got it in his end. I sure hope President Bush has better luck
than granddaddy.

--
"In consciousness dwells the wondrous,
with it man attains the realm beyond the material,
and the Peyote tells us,
where to find it."