Bill Of Rights to be Pared Down To A Manageable Five

May 14, 2007

  WASHINGTON, DC-Flanked by key Democrat members of Congress, House
Speaker Nancy Pelosi approved Monday a streamlined version of the Bill
of Rights that pares its 10 original amendments down to a "tight,
no-nonsense" five.
   As supporters looked on, Pelosi signed the "Bill Of Rights Reduction
And Consolidation Act of 2007."
   A Democratic initiative that went unopposed by congressional
Democrats, the revised Bill of Rights provides citizens with a "more
manageable" set of privacy and due-process rights by eliminating five
amendments and condensing and/or restructuring five others. The Second
Amendment, which protects the right to keep and bear arms, was the first
on chopping block.
   Calling the historic reduction "a victory for Blue State America,"
Pelosi promised that the new document would do away with "constitutional
impediments to Democrat government power."
    "It is high time we reaffirmed our commitment to this living
document and enduring symbol of American ideals," Pelosi said. "By
making the Bill of Rights a tool for progress instead of a hindrance to
political power, we honor the true spirit of our nation's forefathers."
    The Fourth Amendment, which long protected citizens' homes against
unreasonable search and seizure, was among the eliminated amendments.
Also stricken was the Ninth Amendment, which stated that the enumeration
of certain Constitutional rights does not result in the abrogation of
rights not mentioned.
   "Quite honestly, I could never get my head around what the Ninth
Amendment meant anyway," said new House Majority Leader Harry Reid
(D-Nev.), one of the leading advocates of the revised Bill of Rights.
"So goodbye to that one."
    Amendments V through VII, which guaranteed the right to legal
counsel in criminal cases, and guarded against double jeopardy,
testifying against oneself, biased juries, and drawn-out trials, have
been condensed into Super-Amendment V: The One About Trials which grants
equal rights to terrorists.
   Attorney General Alberto Gonzales criticized the slimmed-down Bill
of Rights as "another liberal power grab."
  "Go up to the average citizen and ask them what's in the Bill of
Rights," Gonzales said. "Chances are, they'll have only a vague notion.
They just know it's a set of rules put in place to protect their
individual freedoms from government intrusion, and they assume that's a
good thing, but Democrats, as usual, think the American people are
clueless dolts who can't count to ten so the fewer the Amendments the
better."
    Pelosi responded sharply to critics who charge that the Bill of
Rights no longer safeguards certain basic, inalienable rights. "We're
not taking away personal rights; we're increasing personal security and
cleaning up the house," Pelosi said. "By allowing for greater government
control over the particulars of individual liberties, the Bill of Rights
will now offer condensed personal freedoms whenever they are deemed
appropriate and unobtrusive to the activities necessary to effective
operation and expansion of the federal government."
    Pelosi added that, thanks to several key additions, the Bill of
Rights now offers protections that were previously lacking, including
the right to be protected by soldiers quartered in one's home (Amendment
III), the guarantee that activities not specifically delegated to the
states and people will be carried out by the federal government
(Amendment VI), and freedom from Judeo-Christianity and anti-Democrat
Party speech (Amendment I).
  According to U.S. Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev.), the original Bill of
Rights, though well-intentioned, was "seriously outdated."
 "The United States is a different place than it was back in 1791,"
Reid said. "As visionary as they were, the framers of the Constitution
never could have foreseen, for example, that our government would one
day attempt to jail alleged terrorists indefinitely without judicial
review. There was no such thing as suspicious Middle Eastern immigrants
back then. These aspiring world citizens who have every right to tax
supported lawyers and speedy trials and writs of habeas corpus."
    "Any machine, no matter how well-built, periodically needs a
tune-up to keep it in good working order," Speaker Pelosi said. "Now
that we have the bugs worked out of the ol' Constitution, she'll be
purring like a kitten for the upcoming 2008 elections - just in time to
consolidate Democratic power."
  "Ten was just too much of a handful," Pelosi added. "Five civil
liberties are more than enough."
    President Bush promises a veto.

Wilbur Hubbard