> Sometimes when sh.t happens, you want to be able to articulate the
> experience
> more than just you've, taken a sh.t. Here are some sh.t definitions to
> help you
> explain the situation better to your friends and family...
>
> Ghost sh.t
> You know you've sh.t. There's sh.t on the toilet paper, but no sh.t in the
> bowl.
>
> Teflon Coated sh.t
> Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of
> sh.t
> on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
>
> Gooey sh.t
> This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your a.s 12 times and it
> still
> doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so
> you
> don't stain it. This sh.t leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
>
> Second Thought sh.t
> You're all done wiping your a.s and you're about to stand up when you
> realize it.....you've got some more.
>
> Pop a Vein in Your Forehead sh.t
> This kind is the kind of sh.t that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until
> you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
>
> Bali Belly sh.t
> You sh.t so much you lose 5 pounds.
>
> Right Now sh.t
> You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out
> before you get your pants down.
>
> King Kong or Commode Choker sh.t
> This sh.t is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you
> break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of sh.t
> usually happens at someone else's house.
>
> Wet Cheeks sh.t
> This sh.t hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your
> a.s wet.
>
> Wish sh.t
> You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no sh.t!
>
> Cement Block or Oh sh.t ...sh.t
> You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you sh.t.
>
> Snake sh.t
> This sh.t is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at
> least 3 feet long.
>
> Cork sh.t (Also Known as Floater sh.t)
> Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. On NO! How do I
> get rid of it?  This sh.t usually happens at someone else's house.
>
> Mexican Food sh.t (also called Screamers)
> You'll know it's alright to eat again when your a.shole stops burning.
>
> Beer Drunk sh.t
> This happens the day after the night before. Normally your sh.t doesn't
> smell too bad, but this sh.t is BAD, and it left skid marks. Usually
> there's
> somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of sh.t also
> usually happens at someone else's house.
>
> The Frightened Turtle
> The kind of sh.t that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
>
> The Bungee sh.t
> The kind of sh.t that just hangs off your a.s before it falls into the
> water.
>
> The Ring of Fire sh.t
> The kind of sh.t where you eat really spicy food and your a.shole feels
> like
> the inside of a cigarette lighter.
>
> The Crippler
> The kind of sh.t where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go
> numb from the waist down.
>
> The Big Bobber
> The kind of sh.t that no matter how many times you flush it always floats
> back to the surface.
>
> The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
> The kind of sh.t that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a
> traffic jam.
>
> The Incredible Hulk sh.t
> The king of sh.t that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously
> expands
> to twice it's normal size.
>
> The Jack the Ripper sh.t
> The kind of sh.t that yanks out the hair of your a.s as it pushes its way
> out.
>
> The Party Pooper
> The giant sh.t you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you
> watch
> in horror as the water starts to rise.
>
> The Toxic Gas sh.t
> The kind of sh.t that makes you pass out and fall off the toilet before
> you
> finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
>
> Dirty Bowl sh.t
> The kind of sh.t that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent
> of
> an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the
> toilet
> bowl and seat.
>
> The Windy City sh.t
> When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need
> to
> take a sh.t.
>
> Oh sh.t! sh.t
> You sh.t so much and wipe your a.s so furiously you run out of toilet
> paper
> and you say OH sh.t!
>
> The Never Ending sh.t
> It's the sh.t that keeps running out of your a.s like pea, and just when
> you
> start wiping your a.s your stomach gargles and splash, more sh.t runs out.
> This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
>
> Ouch That Hurt sh.t
> The type of sh.t that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a
> bicycle
> without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
>
> And the dump list...
> I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you
> will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you
> haven't you need more fiber.....
>
> The Perfect Dump
> Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but
> a
> real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get
> is
> a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the
> splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet
> tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all
> is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
>
> The Beer Dump
> Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many
> beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister,
> lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could
> close
> the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
>
> The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
> Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all
> day
> stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the
> Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your a.s look like "a Japanese Flag".
>
> The Empty Roll Dump
> Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty
> cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use
> the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the
> rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion
> that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten
> yer
> cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you
> could
> always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
>
> The Splash Back Dump
> This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that
> washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet -
> and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of
> the day: blot instead of wiping.
>
> The Childbirth Dump
> This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for
> this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts,
> and
> then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see
> your
> loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies
> trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1.
> Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to
> help you get through it.
>
> The Machine Gun Dump
> Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when
> suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility
> like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a
> Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16.... damn commies.
>
> The Sound Effect Dump
> You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are
> within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the
> disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the
> precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet  2. Drop
> loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite
> opera.
>
> The Cling-On Dump
> You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip
> the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little
> bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between
> you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
>
> The Whole Roll Dump
> No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll
> and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer
> waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything
> will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
>
> The Encore Dump
> Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to
> leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must
> therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven
> encores.....
>
> The Houdini Dump
> You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the
> pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can
> guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person
> who comes in.