February 22, 2006
By Nancy Greggs

As I watched Harry Whittington speak last week, I was struck by his
heartfelt apology to Dick Cheney and the Cheney family for the trouble
he had caused by so thoughtlessly being severely injured. You see, I was
raised in a time, apparently now long gone, when victims were on the
receiving end of an apology - especially in those rare instances when
they had been on the receiving end of a face full of birdshot.

It made me realize how outdated my upbringing has become, and how
discourteous I and my fellow Americans have been in the last few years,
in light of the new polit-etiquette that is obviously now the norm in
our beloved nation.

That being said, may I offer the following apologies to our Dear Leaders
on behalf of myself and my countrymen:

We, the People, humbly apologize for your having to spy on us. Were we
not such an unruly mob, clinging to outdated notions like freedom and
democracy, this course of action, albeit illegal, would never have been
necessary. One can only imagine the vast expense we have put you to in
your efforts to keep America safe, one warrantless wiretap at a time. In
future, I would urge every citizen to whisper a humble mea culpa at
least once in each phone conversation, each letter, each email, just to
let those listening in know we have finally seen the error of our ways.

We, the parents who have had children killed or wounded in Iraq, beg
forgiveness for their foolish inability to avoid meandering into the
line of fire, and our own infantile whining about the lack of body
armour necessary to keep them safe as they fight for this Noble Cause.
We also sincerely apologize for continuing to ask exactly what that
Noble Cause might be, and why the justifications for its pursuit
constantly change. Most importantly, we are sorry for the financial
burden we have placed on all of you by way of medical treatment for our
erstwhile offspring, as well as the cost of shipping their remains back
to us for burial.

We, the victims of Katrina, who have lost our homes, our jobs, and our
family members, humbly beg your pardon for expecting aid when we needed
it most. In the aftermath, we realize how selfish we were to ask for
assistance at a time when those in charge had other priorities to
consider. We are truly sorry that we interrupted dinner arrangements,
shopping sprees, Broadway show attendances and vacation plans. As for
the dollar value of those FEMA trailers that have been left to rust in
Arkansas, if we are ever fortunate enough to have a home address again,
I think it's only fair that you mail us the bill.

We, the workers, who have had our jobs outsourced, are sorry to have
complained so bitterly. In our selfishness, we have failed to consider
that the CEOs and shareholders of major corporations have a right to
enjoy windfall profits, and should not be expected to reward the hard
work of the employees who made them profitable in the first place.

Those of us still lucky enough to be part of the dwindling American
workforce should gratefully accept our unfair share of the tax burden,
instead of constantly harping on the fact that our tax dollars end up in
the pockets of the already wealthy, and instead of pointing the finger
at Big Oil and Big Business, who have somehow earned the right to not
pay any taxes at all. We are collectively ashamed of ourselves in this
regard.

We, the citizenry, who have expected ethical behaviour on the part of
our elected representatives, apologize for demanding investigations into
bribe-taking, and the occasional mis-use of public funds. We now
understand that times are tough for everyone, and a little
cash-on-the-side is sometimes necessary for our trusted officials to
make ends meet.

We, the sick, who have lost our health care coverage, and the elderly
who have lost our access to prescription drugs, ask forgiveness for our
self-centered concerns. We beg the pardon of Big Pharma for endlessly
complaining about their well-deserved exorbitant profits. We can only
imagine the hell we've put their families through. How many times have
we cast an unpleasant pall on their European vacations, their birthday
celebrations on private yachts, the housewarming parties at their newest
mansion, with our constant carping about needing life-saving medical
treatment? Honestly, I don't know what we were thinking.

We, the voters, who have expressed outrage over our elections being
manipulated, beg forgiveness from companies like Diebold, who have
worked tirelessly to ensure that the right people wind up in office,
whether we had the foresight to vote for them or not.

We, the masses, who have held on too long to outmoded ideals like
freedom of speech, who have clung too tightly to the concepts set out in
the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, apologize for our stubbornness
and inability to acclimate ourselves to a country finally emancipated
from such foolishness.

We, the citizens, who have protested the circumventing of our own
statutes as well as international treaties, contritely beg the
forgiveness of those who have so wisely dismissed the quaint, outdated
tradition of the rule of law.

We, the bleeding-hearts, who have demonstrated against those in power
for torturing our fellow human beings in our country's name, beg your
pardon for our misguided belief in such old fashioned ideas as justice
and the humane treatment of others, and apologize for our failure to
accept without question the wisdom of those good Christians whom God has
apparently placed above such petty concerns.

And lastly, we the People humbly beg the pardon of the President and
this Administration for questioning their inalienable right to
jeopardize national security by revealing the identity of covert
operatives for political purposes, to enrich their friends and
themselves by way of no-bid contracts to corporations in which they hold
shares, to lie to us, steal from us, mislead us into war, and to tell us
all to go to hell if we don't like it. That's the kind of leadership we
should praise, not berate.

We hope you will accept our abject apology for all of the above. Our
behaviour has been childish and inexcusable. It's enough to make Mrs.
Alito cry.